Lingering Fears from Jordan

A year after the break up, one would think I'd be completely over it. Well, at least, I would think so, because I'm super emotional like that. But, annoyingly, no, I'm not; not completely, anyway.

I still have small feelings lingering in the closet at back of my mind. They like to jump out and scare me every now and again. They keep me on my toes. These are the feelings of jealousy/envy for Jordan's next guy; the feelings of fear that I will not find love again; and the feelings that I may be forever comparing every man I see to the idealized image of the Jordan I fell in love with.

I like to envision them as spiders hanging in my bedroom corner. Normally, I don't notice them. They're just there. But if I see them, I can't stop thinking about them. And eventually I go out of my mind and run away screaming; hoping that my cats eat my feelings.

Now, I know a lot of people reading this blog are people who know me, love me (read "put up with me") or tolerate my ramblings enough to read them while, say, waiting for the bus. So, for you, I will make this as entertaining as I can fathom. I will use music to introduce my points.

Now, this song, "Ponytail Parades" by Emery (for those who can't click the link), is generally a great song for any break up, as it describes the torment a person goes through when everything they trusted in suddenly dusted off the mantle piece. But the lyrics I want to bring attention to for now are these:

It scares me to think,

That you could

Find takers

Other than me.

And better than me,

This is a real fear, admittedly irrational, that I have and can't seem to shake. What if I wasn't the only person who could love Jordan? What if there's an even better Prince Charming out there than I was? I mean, I was a pretty damn good boyfriend/fiance. I had lots of love to give and was ready to "sacrifice" anything at the drop of a hat so long as Jordan needed it. And I'm awesome in bed. 

But what if I'm not the pinnacle for an exceptional lover? I realize how awfully arrogant that sounds. But that is me: I am awfully arrogant. I'm humble when I need to be, but I'm proudly proud of the things I do well. But that's the fear I have. 

Someone is going to love Jordan better than I did.

Here's the second spider, spinning it's awful web. This one looks like a black widow, because it scares me the worst. What if I can't love again? What if every time a guy reaches out to me, I shoot up a wall and walk away? Run away, maybe? I lose track of how many times it's happened so far. Here are some names!

Steve

Chris

John

The Viking

Paulo

Michael

Other Michael

Levi I & II

Antonio

Jesse

All these listed guys opened themselves to me and I turned off my porch light. How do I keep it from happening?

Will I let myself love again?

Probably not, because here's the next arachnid:

Jordan,

No. Not you: the piece of dirt I've stepped over, But you: the man I loved.

There's never going to be anyone like you, and that cripples me. There was so much about you that I just adored more than anything I've ever known in this world, and I want it back. I want your black hair. I want your dimple and a half. I want your crooked teeth. I want your full lips. I want your laugh. I want your shallow insight. I want your compliments. I want your passion for video games. I want to listen to you drone on endlessly about your stories and characters. 

Etc. Etc.

Frankly, though, those are gone. Forever. There will not be any man like you again. That'd be crazy. That'd be weird. I've accepted that. 

So why can't I stop looking for it in other guys?

So, those are my fears on this near anniversary of the worst day of my life so far. Hope you enjoyed the music. I've never actually listened to the David Archuleta one. I like it. Gonna add it to my ITunes when I get the money. So, my parting question:

Is this normal? And will this go away like the rest?