Dear Jordan (Vindicated)

Dear Jordan,

I am vindicated.

I am selfish.

I am wrong.

But I am right.

I swear I'm right.

I swear I knew it all along.

And I am flawed.

But I am cleaning up so well,

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

You ruined my life. Wait, stop, don't close out of this. I have a point. I need to tell you exactly how I felt during this last year and some change. You ruined my life. You took every dream I had and smashed them to the floor like crystal. They became dust and escaped with the wind like when we ran together in San Diego. In fact, that was when I knew they were gone. For good. My future, my hope, my life was gone.

And it killed me. Some of these blog posts can show you just how heavy this pain has been, but I think it would be impossible (and horrible) to actually display that much hurt. The dragon from Sleeping Beauty comes to mind. Just awful.

And even though I swore I wouldn't do it, I hated you. You became the worst monster I could ever comprehend. The most concentrated example of evil. And I raged. Man, did I rage. I would buy cheap glassware from Walmart and throw it against brick walls. I would jump into icy ponds just to convince myself there was a worse pain. I did some coke. I hated you and took it out on myself. Lord knows how it would be if I had you around.

Hence why I finally cut off contact. I say finally, because I had tried so many times and failed. I wanted to keep you near because I couldn't let go. Despite the rage, I missed and cherished our love so much. I couldn't let you slip away. But I had to do it. And I did.

Then, I accepted FEAR. That's an acronym. I accepted that I would Face Everything, And Recover. I had to face this black hole I let take the place of my soul/heart/self/whatever. I know I cannot live a full life if I always let something crush me as I try to sleep at night. I need to face it, and recover.

Then this song came on the radio on my way home from work this morning:

So, when it first came on I had a reaction. I immediately went to shut it off for no other reason than you like Fergie. Who does that? No sane, rational or reasonable person who values his life. I recognized that and I lowered my hand back to the wheel. And then I listened to the lyrics.

I hope you know,

That this has nothing to do with you.

It's personal.

Myself and I, we've got some straightening up to do.

And I'm gonna miss you,

Like a child misses their blanket,

But I've got to get a move on with my life.

It's time to be a big girl now.

You tried telling me this several times. But I was not willing to hear it. I refused to accept that you had any motive aside from hurting me. 

It was always me, in my thinking. I wasn't good enough. I treated you poorly. I was ugly. I was boring. I was angry. I was a horrible person. And I became defensive about this perception. I thought: How dare he? I am great. I am perfect. I am loving. Fuck him. 

But you never said those things. You said the opposite much more often than not, in fact. But I didn't hear you. 

But I hear you now. It's not me. It's you. You reached a point in your life in which our relationship no longer meshed, and began to hold you back. You reached a point where you had more doubt than love. You had more fear than hope. You had more growth to do. And our relationship became a cage. 

I get that. I do. And I'm happy about it. And do you know why? Think about a Valentine's Day card I gave you while we were living in Overland Park. Big one (remember the virtual castle I built out of all that sugar?). And when you opened it up, this song played:

Just to see you smile,

I'd do anything

That you wanted me to.

When all is said and done,

I'd never count the cost.

It's worth all that's lost,

Just to see you smile.

*Sigh* Your smile. I miss it. And I miss being able to give you a smile. So, I'm happy that you are not with me. It means you aren't caged. It means you are living. It means you are happy. At least I hope you are. Because I meant it when I gave you this song (though, ironically, it is a breakup song, but so was our other song "Both Hands"). I would do anything to see you smile; anything to make you happy. Because that is what love is.

Jordan, I still love you very deeply. It's about time I stop denying that. And if I truly love you, then I truly stand by those words. If you are happy, then I am happy. And I wish you the best in life.

So, that's it. Thanks for reading. I'll see you around. 

-Bryan

A Fear

Maybe that was it. Maybe I hit a peak. Maybe that was the best it will ever be.

What if I already found the most perfect love and I will never feel whole again?

Why can't I let people in anymore? Why is it so hard to love?

I hope it's easier for him. I really do. I hope he's happy.

No man deserves to feel this bitter.