Nostalgia

There was a time when I just wanted to get through days
My pillows were inviting
My blankets were heaven
My bed was a paradise
Because he was in it.

It's nostalgia.

I remember no problems.
I remember no sadness.
I remember no cares.
I remember no world.

The world disappeared within his eyes.

A fantasy.
Nostalgia.

On the Accusing Insects

I'd like it if you could leave my garden, please.

I was having a fine day: warm, sunny, with a slight breeze. It was the perfect day for me to sit and do nothing. I thought of reading a book, but eventually pushed it to the side and leaned back to enjoy the sun. I relaxed. I calmed. I let the quiet in.

"You shouldn't have left the Marine Corps?"

A voice seemed to say while figuratively tapping me on my shoulder. I know I was alone, though. I hadn't i invited anyone else to the party. I saw nobody around, so I sighed and shook it off.

"Maybe you should have fought harder to keep him."

That voice again. Who was it? I was now leaning forward, picking at the grass. It was a fair assessment. I should have fought harder. I should have let him know he meant something, I should have...

Hold on. No. This was my day in the garden. This was not my day to feel bad about my past. Again, I sigh and shake it off.

"If you don't try harder, you'll never be happy."

That was it. I jumped up and wandered about the flowers. All I saw were leafs, green, flower petals, purples, yellows and...

Insects. It was the insects.

I'm so tired of these accusing insects invading my time of peace and quiet, and trying to bring me down.

"People are only attracted to you because you're easy," a ladybug called out. I smashed it.

"You're way too lazy to ever succeed. Why do you give up so quickly?" a spider asked. My shoe struck it from its web.

"Do you even think your mother loved you?" a bee had the audacity to ask. It's not firmly part of the dirt.

In total, I killed 104 bugs yesterday. I eventually lay on the grass, exhausted and in tears. The violence sapped me of my energy. The voices took away from my good day.

And I cried, because they didn't stop.

Gratitude

I tortured myself this morning.
Waking up was the most painful part of my day. Even before I opened my eyes, I was struck by the sheer hell that is my life. My life sucks.

• I don't live where I wanted to live
• Should be in Oregon, in the bright gorgeous green gem called Portland
• I don't have the job I want
• I should be a housewife...er...man
• I was supposed to be married
• Now I'm single, alone and living with my parent like a juvenile

These are only three of the pluribus that is my early morning thoughts; striking my brain like darts. Somewhere, my photo must be in a voodoo bar and tacked upon their most popular dart board. These are the thoughts chipping away at my sanity before I've even started my day.

In the dark.

In the quiet.

In the solitude.

Alone.

Happily, however, hope has a hold. I have a gratitude journal. Or, as I have nomad it, my "Little Book of the Life I Like." As soon as I let my eyes open, because it's such a conscious thought these days, and I switch on the bedside light, I grab my journal and I write:

My Blessings

My Privileges

My Dreams

My Achievements

My Goals

My Gratitude

A sample:

"February 17, 2014: Good Morning, and Thank You.

 The first words I uttered today were "I'm so sorry, baby girl", after I elbowed my dog in her face while reaching to turn off my alarm clock. The first thoughts I had today were on the complexities and stupid simplicity of young love.

I am grateful that I woke up today

I am grateful that I had a coke next to my bed

I am thankful that my dogs are good cuddlers

I am thankful that I remembered to start this journal

I am thankful for the good time I had with Eric and Suz last night

I am thankful I will have a good day at work today

I am thankful for a productive day at school

I am thankful that I will graduate someday

I am thankful for the winter

I am thankful for a chance at rest

I am thankful I have rested

I am thankful for how the snow sparkles 

I am thankful that it is a pleasing aesthetic

I am thankful I know what "aesthetic" means

I am thankful I have a broad vocabulary

I am thankful I have knowledge

I am thankful for whatever today brings

I am thankful for whatever new thing I learn today

I am thankful I woke up today."

Immediately after writing these words of gratitude, my day is somehow infinitely better than it could have been. The darkness is comforting once again. The solitude is cozy. The entire day is stretched before me and ready for me to make of it whatever I choose. I get excited. I leap out of bed.

When you have days that you feel are just dregs; dragging you by the heels; forcing you to face the endless onslaught of fears, insecurity and doubt, take my advice here:

Just write down what you are thankful for at that moment. 

• That chocolate bar you had the other day. Wasn't it delicious?
• Your kids are great, aren't they?
• Your job gives you money to pay your debts
• You have a constant flow of endless opportunity at any given point of your life

Of course, this all being said, seek out the things for which to be grateful. Go buy that chocolate bar. Play and talk with your kids. Excel at your job. Pay off a big chunk of a bill. Seek and grab hold of opportunity. 

Life does suck sometimes, but that's no reason to let it suck. 

Thank you for reading. 

May 2

It's been a year since the last time I saw Jordan

It's been half a year since I left the Marine Corps

Time does heal.

"I'm Glad my New Dog Didn't Get to Know my Old Boyfriend."

I'm glad my new dog didn't get to know my old boyfriend.

He had no time to form obsessions.

Like how warm he felt when we slept,

Or how his muscles twitched and constantly let me know

My love was alive.

He probably would have grown to love him too much.

I did.

I made the man my world,

And like a dog,

He became the thing I looked to 

To verify my world was alright. 

I'm glad my new dog didn't get to know this new pain

Growing older all the time.

He didn't discover how venomous love can be

As it seeps into the heart,

Stops it,

Maims it,

Taints it,

Kills it.

My love is dead.

My new dog doesn't know this pain,

Because he came into my life as the other went out.

He was there to see an example of pure happiness,

And then the newspaper swat came to my nose,

And my new dog explored a thing outside that smelled funny.

And he moved on.

I'm glad my new dog has moved on from my old boyfriend.

I'll get there too. 

My love will live again.