A Voice

He is a ghost.

I can't remember the subtleties of his face.

He is a shadow of a boy caught in a photograph--

He can't really be there, can he?

But I can see him clearly only when I close my eyes and dream him.

I can't remember the intricacies of his voice.

He is a whisper on the other end of a phone line;

A breathing that doesn't wish to speak.

Hello? Is anyone there?

Sometimes I talk to myself to invent the things he would say.

The smell in the nape of his neck is gone.

He is a fragile scent of lavender caught in the breeze;

Though I am not near any flowers.

I am in the dark, in a room, windows closed.

I hold the pillows and breathe him in.

My fingers have forgotten his skin, his texture, his warmth.

He is an unknown spot of cold in an otherwise warm sunlight.

I miss the way you held me.

I miss the way we danced. 

I can't remember the salt of his kiss, his skin.

He is the chapped lips of a dry, harsh wind.

Exposed heart and soul is left burned and withered.

Cool glasses of water make me think of him.

He is a ghost.

Walls

"You're a good man, under all circumstances."

"So, why did he leave me?"

Walls are terrible things. Especially if you don't notice them fast enough and you smack into them. They hurt. I mean this literally and figuratively. Walls hurt when you aren't expecting them.

I just walked into a wall. A man I'm going to start dating (hopefully) texted me today. I told him "I hope I'm worth the wait", because our date is on Saturday. He responded with "you're a good man under all circumstances." Bam. Wall. The nose on my heart just crushed up against it and now I'm making sure it's not going to bleed.

I really appreciate that he would say that, and I know he means it. We've talked enough where he has received a great understanding of who I am. Partly because I don't know when to shut up when talking about myself. Because I'm so open, I know it's genuine when anybody says this to me. Plenty of friends, family and acquaintances have told me I'm a good person. I believe them. I am a good person. But his compliment is different. It hurt.

I think it's because he's a potential love interest, and so goes into a different category of person. He's someone who has asked for a chance to become my next most-valued object in life. He's asking for my care. He's asking for my trust. He wants a chance to win my heart. So, for all intents and purposes, he's in the boyfriend category. He just gets an asterisk stating "potential/unqualified". 

But because he's in that category, he's immediately put next to the last person to dominate the category. So, I am reminded. I am reminded that even though I'm a really great guy, someone who I once cared deeply for doesn't think I'm enough. 

I should have seen this wall. It's not a new thing. It's hit me before. 

Having wrote this, I can tell you my heart-nose isn't bleeding. Nothing's broken. I can continue walking. This wall was made of cardboard, because the foundation of it just isn't worth the drywall. That person's opinion of me doesn't matter anymore. And with that, a change in my thinking, from victim to...what's the opposite of a victim? A champion? Yeah.

Therefore, a champion's question: Is this guy worth the wait? Is he a good man? 

I'll find out. Our date is Saturday. I'll update then.

Edit: I did not say the response above! Sorry. I should have clarified that I had said that in my head, and that was the wall. To repeat: I did NOT say that to this guy. 

Apathy

I would close my eyes and make it summer.

I would give all good things their proper spotlight.

Let the world know what happiness is.

Tell the world anyway.

Given the mindsets of an irrational man,

I would have to give too much of myself to make him care.

I'd rather sit in my car and listen to music.

I would keep winter here if I could just close my eyes.

The Adventure Begins

I got a date on Tuesday.