Still hurting.

I cried at work today. I didn't know I was doing it. I was helping to clean off a table after the crowd left. My coworker is the one who noticed.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"Yeah. Just trying to get these plates off," I replied.

"Why are you crying?"

I stood up and wiped away the tears. I just looked at them as they salted the tips of my fingers. Then I felt the sadness. Then I heard the song playing on the radio.

It was Tracy Chapman's "The Promise". One of the many songs I had dedicated to my ex. Perhaps the most special one as it described our living apart for so long. The most heartbreaking line came on then.

Please say you'll be waiting.

I broke. I ran out of the dining room, found a dark corner and just let the tears flow until they stopped. Didn't take long once I got myself together. Once I remembered I am past the pain.

Or at least think I am. I am, aren't I?

I really, really want to be past this pain already. It's been a year and a half. Isn't that long enough? I guess not. The pain is rooted so deeply in my subconcious, that it's not his turn to grieve. Damn it.

I'll get there. I'll be whole again soon enough. The healing is happening.

I hope.