Gratitude

I tortured myself this morning.
Waking up was the most painful part of my day. Even before I opened my eyes, I was struck by the sheer hell that is my life. My life sucks.

• I don't live where I wanted to live
• Should be in Oregon, in the bright gorgeous green gem called Portland
• I don't have the job I want
• I should be a housewife...er...man
• I was supposed to be married
• Now I'm single, alone and living with my parent like a juvenile

These are only three of the pluribus that is my early morning thoughts; striking my brain like darts. Somewhere, my photo must be in a voodoo bar and tacked upon their most popular dart board. These are the thoughts chipping away at my sanity before I've even started my day.

In the dark.

In the quiet.

In the solitude.

Alone.

Happily, however, hope has a hold. I have a gratitude journal. Or, as I have nomad it, my "Little Book of the Life I Like." As soon as I let my eyes open, because it's such a conscious thought these days, and I switch on the bedside light, I grab my journal and I write:

My Blessings

My Privileges

My Dreams

My Achievements

My Goals

My Gratitude

A sample:

"February 17, 2014: Good Morning, and Thank You.

 The first words I uttered today were "I'm so sorry, baby girl", after I elbowed my dog in her face while reaching to turn off my alarm clock. The first thoughts I had today were on the complexities and stupid simplicity of young love.

I am grateful that I woke up today

I am grateful that I had a coke next to my bed

I am thankful that my dogs are good cuddlers

I am thankful that I remembered to start this journal

I am thankful for the good time I had with Eric and Suz last night

I am thankful I will have a good day at work today

I am thankful for a productive day at school

I am thankful that I will graduate someday

I am thankful for the winter

I am thankful for a chance at rest

I am thankful I have rested

I am thankful for how the snow sparkles 

I am thankful that it is a pleasing aesthetic

I am thankful I know what "aesthetic" means

I am thankful I have a broad vocabulary

I am thankful I have knowledge

I am thankful for whatever today brings

I am thankful for whatever new thing I learn today

I am thankful I woke up today."

Immediately after writing these words of gratitude, my day is somehow infinitely better than it could have been. The darkness is comforting once again. The solitude is cozy. The entire day is stretched before me and ready for me to make of it whatever I choose. I get excited. I leap out of bed.

When you have days that you feel are just dregs; dragging you by the heels; forcing you to face the endless onslaught of fears, insecurity and doubt, take my advice here:

Just write down what you are thankful for at that moment. 

• That chocolate bar you had the other day. Wasn't it delicious?
• Your kids are great, aren't they?
• Your job gives you money to pay your debts
• You have a constant flow of endless opportunity at any given point of your life

Of course, this all being said, seek out the things for which to be grateful. Go buy that chocolate bar. Play and talk with your kids. Excel at your job. Pay off a big chunk of a bill. Seek and grab hold of opportunity. 

Life does suck sometimes, but that's no reason to let it suck. 

Thank you for reading.